And thats a wrap

Saying goodbye to friends or family you’ll see in a couple weeks is one thing. But saying goodbye to people who have impacted your life more than you think is possible, was the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I don’t know if I am ever going to see them again, and my heart breaks to that thought.

           

            The amount of emotions I have gone through this week is indescribable. I’ve been the happiest I have ever been when I was around the kids. Then I have been the most angry I have ever been in my life when I was around the parents, who treat their kids like pieces of trash. If anything they should be treated better then anyone else because of how much you can learn from them, and how much they care. Nothing can come into comparison of yesterday and the rush of different feelings I went through. I don’t know which was more, the amount of kisses I gave out or the amount of tears I cried.

           

            Saying goodbye was so utterly hard I can barely think about it, let alone write about it. None of the kids really understood why we were crying when we were saying “adios”. But Dyana Pricsilla came up to me (usually she walks up staring into your soul, just smiling her heart out) with her head down. I tilted her head up only to see a tear stained face, and the saddest smile I have ever seen. I lost it to the fact that this is it; this was my only week with Dyana. I couldn’t hold my tears in. Winder rand up to me next, and signed the “hasta manana” sign to me, but I couldn’t do it back and I would give anything to do it just one more time.

            The idea that I might not ever see these kids again makes my stomach flip. My life has been so impacted by them and I learned so much about everything (especially myself) we were the reason behind their smiles, and that is the best thing I could have ever asked for on this trip.

135 is the magic number

The last couple of days have been life changing to say the least. For the short time we have been here the kids have been so amazing and loving, I can’t imagine how hard it is going to be when we have to say bye. Today was our last full day of teaching and to be honest I am scared. I’m scared about what is going to happen when we leave. Who’s going to love them unconditionally like we do? Sure, these kids need clothes, good water, diapers etc. but really the number one thing they need is love. That’s what we’re here for, to show them that they do really deserve love. The amount of kisses I have given out in this one week is more than I’ve ever given in my whole lifetime, and that’s nothing anyone should be ashamed about. But yet lots of parents are ashamed of their kids. One family here that really sticks out to me is Jesus’s family. Jesus’s dad comes to school with him everyday and helps him learn. Which is something you rarely see anywhere.

            The kids here don’t usually receive this amount of love because they are “special.” They are children first; they are people, just like any of us. Their disability shouldn’t change anything along the lines of respect and love, but yet it does. This trip has meant the world to me; I can’t wait to share my experience with everyone (along with my lice).

            A couple of kids have really stuck out to me- Victor, the boy who leaped into my arms full of trust and love on the first day. He has down syndrome and is the most caring boy I have ever met. We were outside passing the ball around to practice his motor skills and he threw the ball at my head when I wasn’t looking. But the second I turned around he had already ran up to me. He was holding my legs so I bent down to tell him I was okay, but he started kissing every part of my head. Making sure I was okay. I am so thankful for my angel Victor. I don’t know what this experience would have been without you. Mucho Amor.

            Winder who is a troublemaker 5 year old who is deaf is the most energetic and exciting person I have ever met. He doesn’t let the fact that he can’t hear stop him from doing anything (especially from screaming.) We (the cga group) came in to Nicaragua knowing our alphabet in sign language. But Winder did not like that I only knew my abc’s so as the sweet heart he is, he sat me down at the table, took out a book and started pointing to different objects and activities and did the sign. I think the funniest thing he has done so far is that the other day (when I was not in the preschool room with him) he found me and tossed me the book, pointed to the rooster in his book, did the sign, gave me a kiss and ran off. The love that I have for that little boy is amazing; I will never let one bit of it go.

            Jose – Andres (who is cognitively delayed with motor skills, and speech) really has stood out to me. He comes to school everyday with the biggest smile on his face, and the biggest hug waiting. He cannot talk but his laugh and smile says everything. Every moment I have had with Jose is amazing, and full of laughter and love. Anything we do he always has the biggest smile on his face. I’ve never met such a happy person who I love more. Jose is one kid that I can’t stand the thought of leaving, but he will always be with me. I love you Jose – Andres. More than I thought was possible for someone I just met.

            

Do you want to build a snowman? Or pee in a bottle?

Everyone says, “think about the kids lives you are going to change” but it’s not just that, it’s the fact that these kids are going to change my live in so many ways. Every minute I have been here I have felt so welcomed. The first day at school when the kids were there, we were waiting for them where the van pulls in to drop them off. The main thing I was thinking about was how nervous I was and I kept asking myself how long it would take for them to warm up to me and be able to trust me, but I found out very quickly it would be immediate. The van pulled up and opened the door, while the second the door was open this little boy (Victor) jumped strait into my arms. We have never met but yet he saw me for maybe 2 seconds as the van pulled up and already trusted me enough to catch him. I’ve never felt more instantly loved by anyone, so my fears soon went away.

            Later that day we went on house visits with a social worker (two of us went- Alexis and I). We showed up to the first house un-announced with Whitney (chaperone), Alana (translator) and Magaly (social worker). It was also a new case so Magaly had to ask the simple questions and figure the basics out. We arrived and met Marlin (26 years) who was completely functional until the age 14 when her bones slowly started to deterate. She was never diagnosed or taken to any doctor or physical therapist, so we came up with out own diagnoses- Parkinson’s Disease. Her mom plopped her down in a broken wheelchair and had left her out in the sun for those 14 years. I have never seen more sunburns or peeling on anyone. It was horrifying about how her mom didn’t care at all.

            The next house we went to was the home of Clara and Franklin and they have never been diagnosed with anything. The twins have been in the bed for 16 years and they were basically 2/2.5 feet long, with arms the width of my thumb. Again the mom did nothing to help the kids. Worse - she sold drugs and also sold herself. She used the kids and put them on the streets a couple times to beg. I have never felt more betrayed and I have never met any of these people. It made me sick to my stomach to think about these moms that have never done anything to help.

            Today we worked at the school again (Escuela Especial) and again I have never felt more trusted by anyone in my life. The fact that these kids can trust and love so easily makes me wonder why the people back home can’t be like this. The kids are amazing and so easy to work with, and are happy with the littlest things.

            After the kids left school (around 1) we went to one of the school kids (Jesus) house (his family owned a circus). We hung out and met the family and once again, these families live in tents but yet act like they have the nicest house in the world. All they try to do is make you comfortable and feel welcomed - I’ve felt welcomed in Nicaragua sense we got off the plane. I would do anything for these kids/families and I’ve known them for 2 days. That says something I think.

Oh, and I'm married and have lice. 

My Animal

If I could be any animal of choice, I would be a lion. Lions are brave, and tough and thats what I thrive to be. You see a lion and you know right then that it is confident with its self, and that what I like to be, the one that people notice that are happy, and they notice that they are stable with who they are. They show their weaker side when it is truly needed, and they know how to protect themselves and friends. I always have tried to be a friend that protects others, and thats what lions do. Lots of lions have the traits I want, and thats why if I ever were to become an animlal. I would want to be a lion.

Inspiring People

To me being inspired means that you want to follow in ones footsteps, or un conditionally supporting that persons choices. For that exact reason, that is why my brother inspires me, my brother (Sky) hasn't always been someone I look up to this much, sure growing up I used to want to do little things that he did. In high school he went through the normal high school struggles, the drugs, the drinking, the relationships. He hit is rough patch, and he new he did. I think thats why he's so inspiring, because he understood he was in trouble and got the help he needed. Thats what I look for in people, how well they deal with certain situations. And that's exactly what Sky does, he pushes himself to deal with everything in the best way possible. Another reason why he's one of the most inspiring people I have ever met is because I have never seen anyone radiate more love then he has. No matter how mad you make him, he would never do anything to intentionally hurt someone. He has traits like that, that I wish I could have. To be the bigger person and just to love and not hate, and thats why he is inspiring. 

When I have someone who sits there and listens to everyone talk about their problems, while she does nothing but support them, thats when I become inspired. Meaghan, the one person that I can trust with my whole heart is that person, brightens everyones day with a simple smile. The strongest girl I know is now going through her own issues, and I wish more than anything I could be by her side holding her hand and supporting her, like she’s always done for me. I love you meags, you truly are an inspiring girl. 

Inspiring people are people you support and people you love unconditionally, and who loves you more than yourself? It may seem strange but I inspire myself, sure I like what some people do, and want to join them in that action. But there is no one that I would rather be than myself. I think the world is so full of people trying to be different so they can be the “better” person, and the fact that people have to change who they are so they can be considered “good” is crazy. I inspire myself because I am myself, and I love myself. I also think the world is full of people who cant honestly say they love themselves, which is heartbreaking because the one person you should love more than anything else is yourself. I think this assignment was so hard for me to write because I am the only person that truly inspires myself.  I wouldn’t  want to change anything about myself, yes I have my flaws, and I make mistakes but I admit my wrongs, and I be who I want to be. I am not going to change my personality because other people may not like my ways. I inspire myself in ways others cannot imagine. I inspire myself by pushing myself to love myself in all ways, and to support myself when others don’t. This world is full of people who don’t love themselves and wont be who they truly are because they think the society might not accept their true selves. Thats why I inspire myself, because I am who I want to be, and I think thats the most inspiring trait of them all. 

Saturday.

CGA is one of those things where I can't explain my emotions, I'm beyond excited for this trip, but yet I get so scared every time I think about it, it's weird but I think my biggest fear going on to this trip is not going to be able to talk about how I'm feeling on this trip, or what I'm going through. I feel like when I'm in Nicaragua I'll be so ready to help, and teach and learn for myself that I won't realize that I actually need some time to talk about my experience that day. Besides that, I'm a little worried about doing well on this trip. it's going to be emotionally challenging to go on this trip.
I think the hardest part about this trip is going to be arriving, and leaving it's going to be hard to show up and start to build these bonds with the kids, and also leaving is going to challenging because I just spent a week there trying to build a relationship and then were just leaving not knowing if I'll see those kids again.
I don't know how I am going to change on this trip because everyone that comes back from these trips have changed in there own special ways. So I'll come back home and just be different, don't know how but I know it will be for the better.

Friday Night

Its late friday night, and I have been sitting here trying to decide what to write. The last couple of hours have been terrifying knowing that my chance to go to Nicaragua could be completely taken away from me because of one night. One night that I could have spent at home, handing out candy or watching scary movies, or honestly anything. Im on probation with CGA now, and I'm still trying to figure out why I did it. I don't even know where to start. Nicaragua is something I want so badly, it is that one positive thing that I was truly looking forward to. Having that chance to still be able to go, I am going to try so hard for this, already starting fundraising I just bought 300 rubber wristbands that say "Do Good. Be Good" hoping to sell those for around 3 to 4 dollars I should hopefully make a good about of the 500 dollars due by December 20. Karen and I are also going to have a babysitting night I believe on December 7, so parents can leave the kids with us for a while, still deciding on other facts, I think its going to do well. On December 9 I have to talk to the whole CGA group about my Halloween night, I finished my rough draft tonight, I'm going to continuously edit it. Trying to tell the other kids how serious the contract is, and being completely honest I'm going to tell them all the honest details so they understand that nothing is worth getting your trip taken away. After school I got a call from Lisa Marie, knowing what it was already about, I answered already shaking. During the talk I was told that my trip is not being completely taken away (which I am so grateful for) but I am probation basically, I have to do extra community service, talk in front of the group, monthly things for any of the chaperones and basically just prove that I am willing to do this, and that nothing is going to take this away from me so easily. I know what I did was no where near a good decision, but learning from my mistakes I'm going to help the other students be successful with keeping their word on the contract.